Back to Destroy Your Toys
The X-Men have grown well beyond the pages of their monthly
Marvel fantasy in the past years, and the one X-Man (X-Person?) that is best
known for cementing mutated freaks among comic book lore and cultural popularity
is the group’s most famous member – Wolverine. Although not one of the original
X-Men, Wolverine has still made the biggest contribution to their overall fame.
This is primarily due to his unique powers like rapid healing, adamantium skeleton
with retractable claws, and of course his remarkable yet bold ability to pull
off a hairstyle that makes him look like he has bird wings attached to the sides
of his head. There is however one special power that many fans have flat-out
disregarded concerning their beloved hero named after a weasel, and it’s a power
that could’ve easily destroyed Wolverine and all of the X-Men combined: it’s
what happens when you obtain the rights from Marvel comics to use the image
of Wolverine, combine it with corporate indifference, sculptor incompetence,
mass Chinese production capabilities, and then ultimately generate what
can only be described as an utterly perverse manipulation of plastic and paint
– ToyBiz’s First Series Uncanny X-Men Wolverine Figure .
It’s always challenging to try and convert characters from
a comic book into realistically perceived entities that embody the same fantastic
and often exaggerated qualities that fictitious environments can make seem natural.
For example, when we view comics, things like three sizes too tight spandex,
physically impossible poses, and a lack of pupils are perfectly acceptable;
but when movies or in this case toys attempt to recreate these same elements,
it can sometimes turn your favorite comic book heroes from this...
Into...well...this thing...
Upon seeing the molded evil that is the Wolverine figure, it’s obvious that Toybiz was barely up to the challenge of properly dealing with this translation from comics to toys, thus it was intended to be largely marketed via the fundamental yet sometimes tactless approach towards toy promotion: name recognition. With the popularity of the X-Men comic book, cartoon, and arcade game at the time, the manufactures wagered that they could strike gold the moment kids or comic book aficionados (AKA nerds) see the words “X-Men” and/or “Wolverine” on a never-before seen item in the toy aisle. Of course this type of strategy generally works, but only if you've got a good toy to back it up. The First Series 1991 Wolverine is not that kind of figure. But perhaps you’re still questioning how I could assume such a particular scheme; well it’s because the toy butchers at ToyBiz spent more effort coming up with their name (get it? Toy Biz! It’s like short for Bizness!) than they did on constructing a well-received action figure. Here’s why…
1. The Ineffectually Included Samurai Sword
Let’s be honest - Wolverine doesn’t need a samurai sword. Why? – Because he
has 12-inch long metal blades that shoot out of his knuckles. I’m aware of Wolverine’s
story-line stint with Japanese clan members, but using a samurai sword when
you’re already capable of wielding a total of six adamantium blades with the
added convenience of retractability is like the Terminator keeping a Taser handy.
And along with the redundant samurai sword accessory, Wolverine also comes exclusively
with an inability to hold it. The hole they burrowed in the top of Wolverine’s
fist is too large for the handle of the sword, so it just spins around and bobs
back and forth. Ironically this means that Wolverine can’t use the sword for
any kind of toy related combat after all. So that means he didn’t need it…but
he still has it…yet he can’t use it…unless it’s for…
Of course! How could I have been so stupid!? Now I remember why he has the sword! According to Uncanny X-Men issue #172, Wolverine can only initiate his famous “Berserker Rage” attack mode upon the sadistic mutilation of his own genitalia with the traditional weapon of ancient Japanese warriors!
2. Snap-Out "Claws"
Although it was a somewhat gracious attempt on the part of Toy-Biz to
recreate Wolverine’s retractable claw ability, the end result of their
efforts was a mutilation of the figure and the realization that maybe they
should’ve just walked away from the challenge. Besides having to carve
large grooves in the toy’s arms for the spring/claw mechanism, a job that
appears to have been completed by a quadriplegic with a penknife stuck
in their mouth, making a claw that’s retractable also requires that the
claw must be modified so that it can fulfill the advertised retractability
feature; this ultimately causes the spring/claw mechanism to bare little resemblance
to the Wolverine claws of comic book lore we’re all familiar with. For example,
Claw #1 is what a comic influenced claw should look like, while claw #2 is what happens when Wolverine complies with the government and Toy-Biz company safety regulations concerning small children and potentially dangerous eye- removing toy hazards. Thanks alot you unappreciative little pricks.
3. Strange Molded Body Hair
In addition to Wolverine’s mutant powers, he is also well known for being
a hairy guy; he’s basically the comic book world’s equivalent to the George
“the Animal” Steele. But when body hair is seen in comic books it’s usually
just a series of lines drawn all over the exposed parts of a character’s body.
This of course poses yet another “from comic to toy” translation dilemma; you
could just not worry about it; you could maybe paint lines on Wolverine’s
arm similar to the comics; or you could…mold creepy looking hair right onto his arms?
This is something about the toy that confuses me. Practically every aspect of this figure is inanely crafted like the product of an LD kindergarten art class, but when it came to figuring out how to give Wolverine body hair a sculptor was dedicated enough to carefully form individual and precise hair-like protrusions all over his biceps. Why would there be such a meticulous approach to creating body hair when the rest of the figure is garbage? Well I did a little research and it turns out that the sculptor of this figure is none other than…
George “the Animal” Steele! That explains the childlike craftsmanship, yet the elaborate attention to forming the figure’s body hair! It makes sense now!
4. Malformed Wolverine Head
It’s a common practice among many comic book characters to hide their identity
with some sort of mask or disguise. This concealment is usually because the
character wants to appear mysterious, hide from family or friends, or look cool
in competition among other fashionably obscured heroes. But rarely do we see
comic book characters wear masks to conceal the fact that their face looks like
a freakish combination of Lou Ferrigno, Jaws from the James Bond films, and the
Hunchback of Notre Dame.
What the hell is this? Does Wolverine have a glass eye or something? Never have I seen such obvious disdain for the communal image of characters that are supposed to represent unmatched fantasy and heroism. Instead this depiction of Wolverine looks like Marvel made a deal with The Ronald McDonald House to create toys that relate to physically challenged kids by combining popular comic book characters with debilitating disorders. And now introducing Cerebral Palsy Wolverine with Lockjaw!!
5. Mask Ring?
In order to cover up the abominable synthetic nightmare that is Wolverine’s mongoloid toy head, the figure comes equipped with easily one of the biggest embarrassments to action figure accessories ever - The Mask Ring. The inception of the Mask Ring is similar to that of the snap-out claws discussed earlier. Like the claws which were designed to recreate retractability, a feature known for its lack of toy friendliness, the mask ring was designed to recreate the fact that Wolverine doesn’t always wear his mask. Removable masks at the time of this figure were also known for being troublesome additions to toys; they were still sort of unrealized and ignored in the early stages of their conception. But ToyBiz tried it anyway, and it would appear that the whole “ring” idea was initiated after they saw how ridiculous the removable mask looked on and off of the figure. I’m guessing the conversation that led to the origin of the Mask Ring was something like this:
”I think it would be a good idea to give Wolverine a removable mask. Maybe we could conceal
the hideous craftsmanship of this toy with some gimmicky accessory.”
“Great idea! We’ll trick kids into thinking they’re really getting some great deal with this toy!
I’ll get the sculptor working on it right away.”
“I got some bad news. That removable mask didn’t quite turn out the way we expected. Because of
Wolverine’s mongoloid head and bird wing hairdo we were only able to make the front of the mask with
two prongs that hold it on.”
“Did you say two prongs hold the mask on to Wolverine’s face? Hmmm…I know! Maybe we could
conceal the hideous craftsmanship of the removable mask by making up some gimmicky excuse that
it’s a ring! All boys love wearing jewelry! Right?”
No normal kid who ever owned this toy proudly donned his Wolverine action figure
Mask Ring to school or any public or private place for that matter; and if there
was any kid who even considered it it’s because they were either packin’ an extra
chromosome, or had an unusual interest in wearing jewelry that later developed
into an interest for wearing women’s underwear. A better idea would have been to
include a set of removable heads – one head with a mask and one head without.
Kids could’ve had a blast setting up battles where Wolverine constantly gets his
head cut off and it keeps growing back; and wouldn’t it have been more interesting
to see the creative routes male children take when they’re given the option of
playtime decapitation instead of accessorial concepts that encourage them to raid
mommy’s jewelry box?
What can we learn from the mistakes of this shitty action figure?
Besides being a great addition to any old shoebox in your parent’s garage, 1991
Wolverine can help you better understand an era when a majority of action figures
were still made particularly for children but were no comparison to classic toys
of the 80’s. Toys were beginning to be manufactured with a lingering air of
conceptual defeat and also conformity to the concerns of over-protective parents
and politicians (say goodbye to robots that transform into guns and hello to the
drug elimination force and Captain Planet!). The interests of children were
slowly losing influence over objects that were constructed for their benefit
in the first place, and the 1991 Wolverine is a pioneering victim of that dark
age of substandard quality mixed with fanatical coddling. Basically, toys were starting
to suck hard in the early 90’s.
But regardless of its disgraceful toy history, what will always be most unsettling
about this figure is that one of the most popular comic book characters in
history was once officially represented by this image:
He'll never be the same again.
Do you hate this figure too? Or did you actually wear the mask ring? I would love to know more about your sick life: mister@destroyyourtoys.com