Hey, do you remember G.I. Joe? Did you really enjoy it as a kid? I know I did! So it should be easy for me to buy any one of the many classic G.I. Joe action figures that I embrace with such high esteem right? Well I was going to write an article about a carded “Storm Shadow” G.I. Joe figure, but when I tried to buy one on eBay it turned out that I’m a just a little short on cash…

And in case you missed it, here’s the price blown up for those of you who may have difficulty seeing or difficulty believing what someone paid for a toy.

Someone dropped over a grand for an action figure in the package. Why? And the buyer was obviously so ashamed by his purchase that he’s no longer a registered user. There are so many other beneficial and admirable options available for the tidy sum of $1350. For instance…

You could by a new laptop…

Buy 2 new desktop computers…

Or you could probably hire the guy who portrays the “PC” in those Mac ads for your own personal entertainment…

Make a house payment…

But I guess if you’re someone who is able to frivolously spend cash on a carded Storm Shadow figure, you should give that money to your parents so they can make a house payment…

Visit and the experience the beautiful sights and exciting activities of Spain…

Finally buy that used Geo Metro you’ve been eyeing for a while…

Get a few much needed psychiatric therapy sessions…

Hell, buy some drugs…

Shit, buy a hooker…

Hire a reasonably priced hit-man to whack your friend who was regularly spoiled as a child and acquired practically every G.I. figure and vehicle produced from 1982 until the early 90’s including the USS Flagg, and then steal his entire collection for yourself…

Maybe you could put the money towards a new Segway…

Wait, on second thought don’t buy a Segway you yuppie prick…

Start planning for that long overdue phalloplasty…

Give the money to M.C. Hammer so he can finally take a vacation from his job as a sandwich artist at Subway…

Donate towards Katrina assistance…

No, no, I meant supermodel and Bollywood actress Katrina Kaif...

Enroll for a semester at a local community college…

And then after you fail to pass any classes because you’re too busy searching and buying overpriced carded action figures on eBay, you can just spend any leftover cash getting trashed at a local bar during the Browns (or insert your favorite team name here) game…

And finally, $1350 could actually afford you authentic ninja training lessons…

You see, there are so many nobler things to put $1350 towards. Use your imagination. But seriously I think another major focus here should not be on how you can spend $1350, but why you would spend this amount on an old toy. The reason the person that bought this Storm Shadow figure or any other person that would be willing to do the same is because they’re not really a fan of the toy, but rather simply interested in perpetuating the novelty of 80’s memorabilia worship; it’s the very same mentality that has insidiously boosted the sale prices of multiple toys from the era. In essence these individuals are pseudo-fans with the dream of turning old plastic into a symbol of capital investment; and meanwhile this unenthusiastic and ill-formed concept of toy appreciation makes the individuals who actually developed a legitimate enjoyment of G.I. Joe suffer by not being able to reasonably buy these old toys and then tear the fucking things right out of there graded plastic bubbles and show that admiration is not the product of a disposable income. Besides, I never really wanted a carded Storm Shadow anyway.

Lesson #1: DON”T SPEND THIS KIND OF MONEY ON AN OLD TOY!!

Lesson #2: OPEN EVERY CARDED FIGURE YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON SO THAT THIS RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOR WILL NOT INFECT FUTURE GENERATIONS!!

If you plan on spending copious amounts of cash on toys, email me so I can talk you out of it and give the money to me. Trust me it's worth it. mr@destroyyourtoys.com or discuss this sick obsession at the blog.