M.C. Hammer is the definitive icon of frivolous indulgence and also proof that with a little dedication 20 million dollars isn’t that hard to blow nowadays. I’m sure Hammer had a blast being on top of the world for those 1 to 2 years in the early 90’s, but the reason his ass was anywhere at all was because of children buying his albums. That’s right, the people responsible for M.C. Hammer having any degree of success are those little “buy me anything before we leave the store I saw it on T.V. now I want it because he’s got one too I don’t care if it’s good or bad MOM, MOM, MOM, GRANDMA, MOM!!” kids. I realize that it wouldn’t be easy for someone who’s supposedly a member of the rap music community, a community that includes gun-totin’, dope smokin’ hardcore gangstas, to admit that his popularity is due to word of mouth among a network of elementary school students, but a greater part of music then and now thrives through impressionable mentally underdeveloped young people. The key for these particular musicians to remain successful even after they’ve realized that their shitty music is mostly enjoyed by people who are just beginning to utilize masturbation into their daily lives is to evolve along with your fan base: as your fans mature, so should your music. M.C. Hammer disregarded this popular music commandment and mistakenly thought he could continue to manufacture the same pre-teen beats right into the rap music hall of fame (is there a rap music hall of fame?). Even though Hammer attempted to "revive" his career later through mimicking rap trend setters like Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg by "gangsta-ing" up his image (remember "Pumps and a Bump?"), it was way too late for redemption. Thus M.C. Hammer’s popularity was appropriately brought to an end after wasting his meager fortune, and humanity was justly spared from any more Hammer filled explosions of pop-music mediocrity.

But while Hammer’s juvenile appeal, artistic blasphemy, and commercial ruin will always be best symbolized by his amateurish body of rap tunes, there is one interesting side note to his temporary surge of success: M.C. Hammer once had his own BARBIE DOLL. Yes there actually was a time when the Mattel Corporation was willing to apply Hammer’s image to a doll that was also to be included within the already well established pantheon of Barbie & Ken. Of course having your own doll seems like the icing on the superstar cake of achievements, but unfortunately that icing is also laced with the tempting yet toxic flavor of overexposure; and only after a few tastes of this poison you’re vomiting your way right out the big celebrity birthday party before you even get a chance to blow out the candles. But with all analogies aside, M.C. Hammer’s collaboration with doll makers highlights a major point concerning the career that has become canon for financial contempt. M.C. Hammer endorsed the production of an item that was ignorantly anticipated to be a symbol of his soaring popularity and domination within the music industry, but it ironically became an admission that his career is fueled by the fickle standards of kids and his fragile status as a rap-star hack was consequentially shattered. Technically the M.C. Hammer doll is the mark of a pop-music beast that transformed a seemingly innocent and profitable endeavor into a voodoo curse that killed his career.

I guess for some kids just owning M.C. Hammer’s album and destroying the rewind and play buttons on their parent’s stereo after repeatedly listening to “U Can’t Touch This” just wasn’t enough. They wanted to take their relationship with Hammer to the next level: the “doll” level. Whatever these particular kids wanted to do with a doll version of a rapper/dancer is anyone’s guess, but my guess is that these freaks were most likely manipulated by a volatile Pop-Music Demon King who was awakened and consequentially summoned from the depths of hell after M.C. Hammer made a deal with him to sell 10 million albums and win Grammy awards. Upon fulfilling Hammer’s desires in 1990, the demon then exploited the singer’s flamboyant style and kiddy rap as a means for attracting and ultimately controlling the vulnerable minds of innocent children searching for some kind of musical identity. After gaining millions upon millions of satanic children slaves through the cerebral absorption of secret ritualistic incantations during frequent exposure to Hammer’s hit songs, the Pop-Music Demon King began a crusade to use children as warriors to battle against the artistry, talent, and originality required to create decent music. The final step in this plan was to oversee the production of a 1:6 scale version of M.C. Hammer which was intended to be purchased by his followers and kept as a symbol of their involvement in Hammer’s Youth Corps; it was also a device for informing possessed kids on upcoming tour dates, new album releases, and the appropriate methods for thoroughly and viciously annihilating any resistance to the way of the Hammer and his Demon Master. You may doubt this theory, but there is some significant evidence of this doll being more than just an average doll and instead a cursed plastic entity.

The first thing you can’t help but notice is the doll’s supernaturally precise likeness to the 1:1 scale version of M.C. Hammer. It appears that Mattel reacted to the job of making an M.C. Hammer doll like they were being asked to restore the Mona Lisa, and provided the most creepily faithful craftsmanship ever produced from plastic and cloth. Along with identical facial features to the real M.C. Hammer, Mattel also made sure to specifically recreate his greasy rat-tail and stupid ass hair-cut that’s a bunch of lines shaved around the sides and back of his head. The doll even came with a miniature version of Hammer’s ridiculous wardrobe: complete with a sparkling purple suit, star-spangled see-through undershirt, giant golden grandma glasses, and of course his signature “parachute” pants. All of these elements truly capture the horrendously tacky and ambiguously homosexual sense of style that made Hammer famous. Mattel’s efforts seemed as if they were simply providing fans with a high-quality representation of their favorite star, but it’s more probable however that they were under strict orders from a demonic force to construct a magical container that would hold a fraction of M.C. Hammer’s soul; and it's this entrapment of his spirit that must’ve helped transfigure the doll to look exactly like him. In essence this doll is M.C. Hammer, and a symbol of his wicked contract.

Now in order to get the doll into homes all over the world and continue the Dark Lord of Pop Music’s campaign, the next step was to use one of the vilest and most immoral powers known to humanity: marketing. Mattel and Devil Hammer (this became the assumed name of Hammer and his Demon Master after symbiotically connecting their life-forces) went right for the jugular. Along with the use of the eye-catching and hypnotic color scheme of hot pink, violet, and aqua blue on its packaging, three colors that children of the 90’s found hard to resist, the M.C. Hammer doll offered buyers the special opportunity to get a “real” cassette tape (As opposed to a “fake” cassette tape) that includes 2 original songs: “Dancin’ Machine,” which lifts the beat from the Jackson Five song “Dancing Machine;” and “U Can’t Touch This,” the song that killed Rick James. And along with giving kids distinguished access to his catalogue of satanically veiled music, the tape also includes the ultimate temptation to any M.C. Hammer fan: a “personal” and “exclusive” message from the beat-thieve himself. It’s easy to assume that Hammer’s just going to give kids the usual “stay in school and stay out of trouble” speech, and of course he does with the same hollow enthusiasm and pretentious concern of a grade school guidance counselor who just happens to be a professional rapper/dancer. But what most people won’t assume about Devil Hammer’s speech is that he’s speaking to his Youth via a coded language that disguises an evil agenda as virtuous babble.

Hammer begins his personal message with a standard hip hop introduction: “Yo, Yo, that’s right!” This is the code he establishes to throw off non- believers who think that they’re just listening to a harmless musician speaking in some crazy hip-hop language, but immediately after the intro Hammer doesn’t waste any more time and continues to secretly address his followers. “This is M.C. Hammer!” he triumphantly declares, and it’s his way of referring to the fact that his doll is the container of his soul and the most powerful yet unstably evil component in Devil Hammer’s war against artistic ability. He then proceeds by thanking listeners “for all of your love and support, especially all of my young fans who mean more to me than anything.” Young people are imperative to Hammer’s cause mostly due to their energy, vigor, and ability to work 18 hour shifts constructing multiple M.C. Hammer Barbie Dolls in third world countries; he makes sure to acknowledge their assistance. Hammer further states that young people “are our future,” and are also “the ones who will save the earth’s environment and teach us all how to live in peace;” this part doesn’t really mean anything and is just straight up fucking retarded. But Hammer soon follows with more instructions, and warns children of potential dangers like doing drugs, smoking, drinking, and joining gangs. These activities are of course deterrents to the effectiveness and commitment of the Hammer Youth; he claims that he “would never be able to bust his moves if [he] was high on drugs,” just like his soldiers would not have been able to bust open the enemy’s skull if they were always smoking dope or stuck in jail. After telling kids to “treat their bodies with respect,” which is possibly a crude suggestion to denounce Jesus, Hammer attempts to motivate his youth. “I believe in you,” he assures them, “and all about you that makes you special and different (your ability to murder without emotional restraint) from anybody else (non-believers and Vanilla Ice fans). Don’t let other people (authority figures like the police, government officials, and the military) pressure you into throwing your dreams away. Stand up for yourself (kill your parents) and do the right things (spread the reign of the Dark Lord and his loyal servant the Hammer), that’s the hype things (hype things?) and that’s the way you get on top (destroy God and gain His power in honor of the Demon King)!” Hammer concludes his propagandist message by reminding the Youth that “you can go as far as you want if you’re willing to do the work,” because the Hammer does not tolerate laziness in his organization. He then sternly proclaims, “that’s enough talking! It’s Hammer Time!” At at that moment the Hammer Youth knew exactly what needed to be done.

Everything was going according to plan as the doll began to show up in homes everywhere and it seemed that the end of musical integrity was well in sight. Devil Hammer and his legion of rabid soldier fans were prepared to unleash the power of their dolls and fiercely obliterate any and all opposition. However, there was one minor oversight to the weapon; as loyal members of the Hammer Youth tore open the 90’s centric packaging and proudly unsheathed their dolls, they happened upon something very curious. They found an item that could have arguably been the harbinger of Hammer’s downfall and an end to his campaign of musical supremacy: a very pink pamphlet advertising Barbie merchandise.

If your a male fan of M.C. Hammer and find out that this is the kind of shit he endorses, it’s the equivalent of having your balls cooked in an Easy Bake Oven and fed to a starving herd of My Little Ponies; because you’ve just come to the realization that your favorite rap-star has a doll that is officially like a half-sibling to the most testicle shrinking toys ever: BARBIE & KEN. And if some unsuspecting boy would ever happen to take a look at the contents of this insert, they would be immediately targeted for a dead on bazooka blast of Barbie pornography that mercilessly devours their defenseless Y-chromosomes. The amount of pink in this thing could seriously cause seizures in any person that stares at it too long.

Hammer had gone too far. Being adored by children is one thing, but purposely seeking the adoration of Barbie doll enthusiasts is on a whole other independent level of suck that quickly turned his devotees against him. Even girls who had the M.C. Hammer doll were probably upset that their heartthrob move buster was now a card carrying member of Barbie’s pink apocalypse. By attempting to plug Barbie merchandise, Mattel had inadvertently sowed the seed of Devil Hammer’s destruction and started a chain reaction of failure that carried straight over into his third album, and the anticipated manifestation of his triumph over all, Too Legit to Quit. But with Hammer’s backfiring girlie assault and also staunch efforts against his onslaught from the hard rock front led by Metallica’s Black Album and Guns ‘n Roses Use Your Illusion 1 and 2, loyal Hammer supporters began to realize that there’s a hell of a lot better music available from people who don’t rely on dolls to gain a stronger fan base. It was all over for the Devil Hammer.

Hammer came so close to staying on top for so long, but he fell hard: Barbie doll hard. I think it’s safe to say that he’s no longer a threat and the power that his doll once represented has shamefully fallen away into the world of eBay auctions and garage sales. But then again you never know of what such a diabolical and equally talentless person is capable. One minute he’s harmlessly doing episodes of the “Surreal Life,” and the next he’s renegotiating his contract; and I don’t mean the one with Capitol Records…

Have you learned anything from this article? I learned that by being an owner of both an M.C. Hammer album and a Vanilla Ice album as a kid was enough to make me legally retarded. E-mail me at: mister@destroyyourtoys.com