If you’re someone who enjoys or even just knows about Transformers, there’s probably a good chance that you’ve had an opportunity to transform one of them. There have been so many variations of Transformers created since 1984 due to the popularity of the “still included metal parts” era of “Generation 1,” and beginning with “Generation 2” (yeah that’s the one where Megatron became a tank) there has been a never-ending “all plastic” chain reaction of productivity. The Transformers are continuously churning out spin-offs and toys from those spin-offs: Beast Wars, Beast Machines, Armada, Universe, Energon, Cybertron, Machine Wars, Alternators, Titanium, and God only knows what crap they’ll have for the Michael “touch-of-movie-death” Bay version of ’07 film. The Transformers keep growing bigger than Astrotrain after he inexplicably turns from a normal size robot into a space shuttle that can hold the entire Decepticon army, so it’s difficult to go through life without at least one transformer passing through your manipulative hands.

If you have somehow never transformed a transformer, then you’re probably either A: someone over the age of 50, or B: a girl; but there has to be some girls out there who most likely took the occasional break from Barbie drama for a piece of tantalizing Transformer action. But for those of us who aren’t old and/or producing estrogen, you’ve probably noticed that not all Transformers are the same; each one has its own varying degree of transformation difficulty. One possible reason that the first generation Transformers were so popular and were able to continue the franchise’s growth is because there were easy to transform. With relative (some of the toys would have a slight learning curve) and often instinctive ease, kids could keep switching their Transformers from robots into trucks or cars or guns or cassettes or jets or whatever back into robots with just a few clicks, limb twists, and snaps; the early Transformers weren’t usually that hard to figure out, evident here with this example…

This is Megatron. Here are the steps for transforming him.

Step 1: Remove Megatron’s gun and push together his arms and hands. Pull the arms and head backward away from the chest.

Step 2: Next spin the chest around and lift the gun barrel up. Snap the barrel into place by pushing down the back of the barrel.

Step 3: Now push the arms together and set them behind the barrel. Push Megatron’s head up underneath the arms and snap it into place.

Step 4: Next swing the legs back and push them up to form the handle. Push the feet in. Reverse the steps to return Megatron to robot mode.

That’s it to transforming Megatron. Nothing too complicated.

Most of the original Transformers were similarly easier to transform than subsequent generations. It was a waste of paper to include instructions with these toys, maybe even insulting. It was usually only the gigantic Transformers like Omega Supreme or Metroplex that could cause some minor confusion and require a few glances at the instruction manual, yet it still didn’t take long to achieve mastery.

As the toy line progressed, so did the different objects into which the robots could transform. The transformers became less and less associated with earthly things and started to take on a more sci-fi futuristic appearance. You could probably blame the ’86 movie for setting this trend with concepts like “Scourge,” the evil Decepticon/Unicron soldier whose giant robot face could stay exposed on top of his futuristic jet plane mode.

This drift towards changing the Transformers from traditional earth machinery became a rampant standard for the toy line, but it also altered the difficulty of actually transforming the toys. When you know that Optimus Prime is supposed to look like a semi-truck, then you can move his parts with the goal of making him look like a semi-truck. When you know that Optimus Prime is supposed to look like a metallic ape robot with missiles that shoot from his hands, you realize that turning a robot into a semi-truck is a much easier goal to fulfill.

The newer Transformers became confusing. I have one theory behind why this happened: the transformers were being purchased by adults. Adults need a challenge when they play with toys; they need a Transformer that’s the equivalent of a Rubik’s Cube with laser guns to justify purchasing robot figures. Eventually the instruction manual became imperative, and losing it meant that you’d better be satisfied with the toy’s current form because there’s usually no going back or forward.

I recently dug out one of these post-generation 1 “I-need-a-PhD-in-physics” transformers from my own collection. I totally forgot that I even owned the Beast Wars (or whatever- the-hell spin-off it’s actually from) Red Robot Dragon Megatron and I also no longer have the instruction booklet. I haven’t attempted to transform this thing for years, so he’s been trapped in robot mode with practically no hope of ever returning to his sweet dragon form. As a matter of fact I’m not even sure if I’m the person who put him in robot mode to begin with.

There was no hope until now. I know that I am capable of making this toy look like a dragon once again. I’ve done it before (with help from the instructions) and I know I can make it happen again. I will transform Megatron into a glorious red metallic dragon…maybe…here we go…

Step 1: Stare at the transformer with confusion and begin moving parts that are in fact moveable. Try swiveling an arm or leg.

Step 2: After moving the arms and legs begin looking for parts that can be unsnapped or clicked (Notice that Megatron’s arms unsnap at the shoulder, his head can move forward and swivel all the way around, and his crotch can also come apart).

Step 3: Now even more parts can be moved since step 2. For example, with Megatron’s arms unsnapped, his head will now flip all the way up.

Step 4: Take some time to question: “what the hell are those magnets?”

Step 5: After no connection to the magnets can be found, notice that Megatron’s back is hinged; it can be pulled up and forward so that his head comes all the way down.

Step 6: Now that Megatron’s back has been successfully flipped up, stare at the figure once again and attempt to find more spots than can be moved.

Step 7: There’s a part in the middle that might come apart; examine it further.

Step 8: While attempting to pull apart the middle section the plastic will begin to squeak and crack; this could be misinterpreted that the toy is actually being broke. This may hinder the transformation process. Disregard these noises and continue to pull the section apart.

Step 9: After having to gain the strength of the Incredible Hulk to pull apart two pieces of plastic, search for more parts that can be moved.

Step 10: The wings have gone up and they have to somehow come to the front of the figure. But before that is addressed, take some time to play with recently discovered special features. Whoa! There’s a switch that makes the dragon head move!

Step 11: There’s a lever on the head that makes the mouth open!

Step 12: All right back to Transformer business. Now somehow the dragon head/arm has to come up in front of the wings. First, spin the breast plate around.

Step 13: Next spin the head and neck around so that it is behind the breast plate.

Step 14: Bring the wings and arms forward to connect with the neck.

Step 15: After snapping the arms into the side of the neck, hold the nearly transformed figure up with pride; it’s actually starting to look like a dragon!

Step 16: Wait a minute…Oh shit… what the hell has to be done about the other arm sticking out of the side?

Step 17: Realize suddenly that a step has been missed at some point. The shield on the arm can be spun around and it has to go in the front…but how?

Step 18: Just kind of position the arm in front and hope that it will look all right.

Step 19: The toy looks like shit. Try spinning the arm around to the back.

Step 20: Nope, still not right. Just stare at the mystery arm and begin to get angry because it can’t be figured out.

Step 21: Take a break from transforming and head to the nearest storage spot for the booze. Grab the Wild Turkey. A drink will help.

Step 22: After taking a shot of Wild Turkey, resume being perplexed by the exposed arm.

Step 23: Hmmm…try some more booze.

Step 24: What the fuck!? What the hell are you supposed to do with that damn arm!

Step 25: Have another drink.

Step 26: Man, remember when the Transformers still had metal parts? They were heavier. They felt like real toys, not this flimsy plastic shit that feels like it’s gonna break every time it’s touched. There should still be metal parts in Transformers. There should also be Transformers that can transform into guns, like an M-16 or a 9mm pistol. There should be a whole series of Transformers just based off of different varieties of firearms; and they could also be like the Constructicons and combine to form a super robot bazooka…HELL YEAH!

Step 27: …………….???........***........

Step 28: After waking up, the toy will be mysteriously transformed into a dragon. Don’t ask how it happened, just go with it. Oh yeah, reverse the steps to return Megatron to robot mode…maybe… okay that won’t work. Just get trashed again and see what happens.

Christ that toy was tough to transform. Give me a robot that turns into a cassette tape any day over the new generation Transformers. I haven’t even attempted to mess with any of the new shit that’s out, and based on my experience with dragon Megatron I learned one thing: Wild Turkey kicks ass. But don’t entirely count out any future next generation Transformers purchases; those Star Wars Transformers sure are tempting…

To get detailed instructions on how to transform Transformers don't ask me. If you need to know about the detailed effects of Wild Turkey, I'm your guy: mr@destroyyourtoys.com Or transform your comments into a blog entry.
(P.S. The blog sucks and I don't care, so you shouldn't either)